more bargain-basement advice
Monday, March 12, 2007
I told you I wasn't done with unsolicited advice, the worst type, arguably, being of the true but unhelpful variety. My fifth form Religious Studies class was taught by a nun whose favourite refrain was 'The only way not to get pregnant, girls, is NOT TO DO IT!' You see? completely true but, for most normal human beings, utterly unhelpful. Here's another: 'Pregnancy is not an illness.' Thanks, that'll bring me great comfort next time I'm puking my ring out while Becca hammers on the bathroom door howling 'Mum-MEEEE! Come OOO-U-UT!!!!' A hatchet to the back of the skull ain't technically an illness either, but it can certainly slow you up for a time.
For me, the nadir of the true but unhelpful is the gleaming nugget offered to every sleep-deprived mum of a newborn: 'you should sleep when the baby sleeps'. I have lost count of the number of times I have heard this, however I have yet to hear its logical corollary: '...and while you slumber, I will come over to your house, launder, fold, and sort all the poo and puke-stained garments (both yours and your child's), fill your freezer with casseroles, clean the kitchen, scrub the toilet, pick all the toys off the floor, change the sheets, answer the phone, pay your bills and what's more, without waking you I will give you a bed bath and then attach a milking machine to your sleeping form in order to draw off the emergency back-up feed for when you run out of milk during the 5pm–midnight feeding frenzy. Then, and only then, will I feel justified in spouting this piece of specious bullshit without blushing for shame.'
OK I think I'm done now. Ten weeks to go, incidentally, as the baby-extraction procedure is scheduled for 39 weeks. After last time (41 + 3-5) I'm choosing to regard this as time off for good behaviour. (Hey, I haven't actually thumped anyone yet...)
0 Comments: